So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
