Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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