I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
