the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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