I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
