There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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