good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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