Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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