Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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