You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
