just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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