its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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