I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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