Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
