I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
