My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
