did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
