How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
