If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Randomize
