3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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