Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
