she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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