oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize