She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
