You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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