We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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