Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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