oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
