just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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