cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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