Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
