I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
