I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
