All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
