This dress was meant to end up on your floor
no, he came in my armpit
I met the friendliest cop last night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
