Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
