I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
wow bdsm is so cute
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
