We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
