On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
