:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
All I want is dick and wine.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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