I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
