I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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