the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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