Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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