She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
