If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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