I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
