Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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