tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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