My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize