Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Green mimosas i think yes
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Randomize
