God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
