i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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