I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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