someone threw a dead crab at me
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My feet surprised me
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