I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
