I'm eating all of the evidence.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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