I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
