theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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