new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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