I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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