does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
