First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
