I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
