Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
