Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize