Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
