you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize